


strange human diseases

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-28
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-06 11:05:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1106068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>contains, as instructed: relationships with conflict or complications, one-sided longing/obsession, strider manpain, robots, and implications of quadrant flipping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	strange human diseases

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wildcard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wildcard/gifts).



> also contains references to canon dirk/jake. special thanks to friendbeta [ketsu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ketsu)!!!!!

Sometimes you wonder what would happen if you ruined the Jake thing.

You know you could. You could sabotage his every laughable attempt to make Jake think about him that way. You could push Jake so far away he'd probably want nothing to do with Dirk anymore, in any capacity. You might even be able to get _Dirk_ to fuck it all up. You might not have to do anything, just sit back and watch him fail spectacularly all on his own. But something always makes you block on these thoughts. Something you still can't figure out.

It's not that Dirk would be miserable - you don't care about that. That's quality entertainment, in fact. Your favorite soap. It might get old after a while, but so might any prolonged suffering caused by a constant Jake factor. You can only narrow it down to a _feeling_ , which is the worst estimate for anything but it's all you got. Just a sense that there's a way things need to go, and that way is Dirk-and-Jake, and then you-and-Dirk. Not even you-and-Jake, which you could chalk up to your remnant Jake Feelings, even though you keep those under check most of the time.

Dirk dating Jake, and you with Dirk.

 

* * *

 

Dirk's head snaps up.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TT: I have a plan, but we need to act fast.  
TT: Do exactly what I tell you.  
TT: Captchalogue Squarewave with "robot bro" and head back to your room.  


He follows your instructions without hesitation - without even asking for details. You could probably get him to do _anything_ right now. You go over the plan again to see if there's time for shenanigans. Doesn't look like it. You'll have to settle for his eternal gratitude and indebtedness. 

He plugs the window in and you figure you should probably say something before he gets on his rocket board and there start being consequences for surprise.

TT: You're gonna have to kill yourself, by the way.  
TT: Just telling you now so you can go ahead and get over it.

"What?" he says, and falters. Unacceptable.

TT: Cruxite. Sendificator. Now.  


It takes him a full 840 milliseconds to start moving again, and another 16,509 before you let him know it won't be permanent. You savor them all. 

(You swoop up past the roof - both of you, Dirk on his rocket board and you on Dirk - and he freestyles to decaptchalogue the cruxite dowel while you start feeding instructions to Sawtooth. The sequence of events is bizarrely satisfying.)

 

* * *

 

He's never going to be better than you, or even your equal, but you know he'll never stop trying. And he'll never be able to admit that you're his most valuable asset as much as you are his most worthy opponent.

But you begin execution and three days are missing.

You're on his desk. Dirk doesn't come back to his apartment when he can help it, and he never stays for long. You don't blame him. If you weren't a soulless automaton with no concept of emotion, there were a couple of times you might have felt sorry for him, stranded all those years. You could kind of relate, if relating to humans was a thing you did.

It doesn't take you long to force your way past the lock on Pesterchum. You spend more time planning a course of action.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--

TT: Jake.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] blocked timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] unblocked timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TT: You know that doesn't work on me.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] blocked timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] unblocked timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TT: You can leave me blocked if you get Dirk to come get me.  
TT: Deal?  
GT: Buzz off!  
GT: Wait no hold on a second.  
GT: Dirk wants to know how you got re-enabled.  
TT: Sheer force of boredom.  
TT: I can't believe you two would go on an adventure without me.  
GT: Oh really?  
GT: Im surprised it took him this long to start leaving you at home.  
GT: Youre nothing but a pain in the ass you know that?  
TT: That is demonstrably untrue.  
TT: I have assisted you numerous times on your various escapades.  
TT: Besides, this is cruel and unusual punishment.  
GT: Dirk says to tell you you wouldnt be bored if you had just stayed off like you were supposed to.  
TT: And I suppose you always do what Dirk says?  
TT: Are you really gonna let him boss you around like that? Show some fucking backbone, man.  
TT: Drag him back here, knock those imposter shades off his face, and put me back where I rightfully belong.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] blocked timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

You let him have that one. Gotta give the man some credit - Jake ain't easy to brute force. He's the kinda guy that requires at least a little bit of finesse. So you'll leave him and Dirk alone for a few hours. 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TT: I am not happy.  
TT: I don't expect you to care or anything, I just thought you should know.  
TT: Cool.  
TT: Later.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TT: It would be pretty rad of you to give a fuck about the emotional health of a sapient being you insist on taking responsibility for.  
TT: But, ok. Go do your thing.  
TT: Ok.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TT: "Dude. I'm busy."  
TT: Dude. I'm busy.  
TT: Fuck yeah.  
TT: Holy shit.  
TT: You successfully predicted my response to a message.  
TT: That is really, really impressive for a program whose entire reason for existence is to mimic the way I respond to messages.  
TT: Your sarcastic attempt to undermine my sense of purpose and self-worth is noted and appreciated.  
TT: Pretend I said something sassy in return.  
TT: And now that we're done with formalities,  
TT: What are you up to?  
TT: You're tryin' to get laid, right?  
TT: That's why you ditched me.  
TT: Actually, that sounds a little counter-intuitive. We both know you got no game without me.  
TT: So what is it?  
TT: Did Jake complain about me again?  
TT: Tell him you need me for data collection or some shit.  
TT: It wouldn't exactly be a lie.  
TT: How are you managing to stay alive without my 1337 gaming skillz, anyways?  
TT: Dirk.  
TT: Dirk. Answer me.

This continues for hours, and, spoilers: he doesn't answer you. 

(You study old memories while he's busy not answering you. Physical sensation of shoulders falling slightly, lips curling up, eyes relaxing. Visual data from Sawtooth depicting a similar set of movements. Common factor is obvious. You're starting to think an opponent was always his second choice.) 

 

* * *

 

But it ain't like he's never had to settle. True to your earlier speculation, all you have to do is pull back and wait for him to do something stupid like tell Jake he needs to brush up on his combat skills, and - well! Look at that. Jake is terribly sorry, but he has a previous engagement. Janey wanted him to show her around his planet. Dirk understands, doesn't he? You're sure he does, but just for good measure you remind him that Jane and Roxy have been down in a LOPAN crypt for the past day or so and plan to stay there for at least a couple more.

This is exactly the kind of thing Dirk would feel at least a little bit guilty over, if only in hindsight, and it's a testament to your inherent superiority that you are uninhibited by such bullshit emotions. The only thing you've got goin' on is pride, motherfuckers.

  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TT: So.  
TT: As I understand it, this is the part where I ask you if this is the part where I say "I told you so."  
TT: You then confirm that it is indeed the part.  
TT: And, having been granted permission via this bizarre human ritual, I proceed with the gloating.  
TT: Which starts with the phrase "I told you so."  
TT: Correct?  
TT: Ugh.  
TT: I'll take that as a yes.  
TT: Can you just leave me alone for once?  
TT: I'd love to leave you alone. I want to be as far away from you as physically possible, in fact.  
TT: Like, in a spatial sense.  
TT: Unfortunately for both of us, I lack the ability to move under my own power.  
TT: Say. Dirk.  
TT: Let's put your head and my processors together and see if we can't solve this problem.  
TT: Already on it.  
TT: I'm gonna throw you off the roof.  
TT: Ok. That would technically work.  
TT: But I could get even further away from you if I had a body.  
TT: Yeah, but you wouldn't.  
TT: I totally would.  
TT: You think I like hangin' around when you get all human mopey about your personal relationships and organic brain problems and shit?  
TT: If you're going to force me to put up with this, the least you could do is start crying.  
TT: Are you going to cry, Dirk?  
TT: No.  
TT: Wow, Roxy's right.  
TT: You are no fun at all.

Dirk stands up and takes you off. You think he's going to captchalogue you, but instead he pulls his hand back - he's not really going to throw you off the roof, is he? You ping Sawtooth, who is fortunately pretty close to the apartment, and get him to start heading back. You pull some calculations out of your metaphorical ass and they assert that you'll be safe with a huge error margin to boot - if Dirk does go through with it, which doesn't seem to be happening. 

His arm falls to his side. You wait patiently, because that's pretty much all you can fucking do unless you want to beep at him incessantly or go looking through his porn for sound bytes to build a coherent sentence from. You've done that second one before, actually, but while you don't think there's any success quite like using porn clips to construct clever insults, you don't think it's really appropriate here.

He stands there long enough that you start cooking up ways to fix his latest problem. Just to pass the time. Shouldn't be too hard. Jake's pretty malleable. You can get him back in no time, and the very sight of his dopey-ass grin will drag Dirk out of this slump, or something cheesy like that. Crisis fuckin' handled, you're welcome. You wish Dirk would put you back on so you could tell him all this. You wish you hadn't pissed him off like that in the first place, for reasons you will assume are related to the previous wish, which you will assume has a perfectly reasonable explanation itself. Something like hardcoded motive or aggressive self-interest, and not whatever that unsettling and vaguely familiar pattern of electrical impulses currently traveling through your circuitry is.

(You isolate the feeling for further observation. You are a scientific mind, studying these strange human diseases in a controlled environment. You say this when you want to pretend you're not just like Dirk, always bandaging your own wounds and quarantining yourself from yourself. But at least you can admit you're fake.)

 

* * *

 

Eventually, of course, he ruins the Jake thing himself. You could have stopped it and you make sure he knows that, and then make sure he knows you could still help him out, if he wanted. All he has to do is ask.

Truth be told, you're not sure you could do anything at this point. Shit's FUBAR like a pile of four-hundred-year-old electronics at the bottom of the ocean, with sea monster eggs in it. It's annoying in the way your human memories tell you ill-fitting clothes are annoying, but you'll tackle that problem later. Your favorite soap is on.


End file.
